In plain language, I'm a work-from-home hermit, incessant petter of 3 cats, and I live vicariously through my circle of girlfriends. They visit and entertain me weekly, with their ghastly and intriguing dating/relationship tales. Sometimes they'll come over on a week night and we'll have cocktails and junk food. Other times, they'll visit on Saturday afternoon and we'll hang outside and drink wine. I'll introduce you to a few of them right now. This week, the ones that made it, came for Sunday brunch. I was lazy this time, instead of cooking, I ran down the street and grabbed a bag of breakfast tacos. And then I made mimosas with cranberry juice and spiked the coffee.
I suppose I'll start with my favorite, the lovely, talented, oustpoken 38 year old, Mardi. I love my MardiPants because she's everything I wish I could be. I don't wish for her life though. She lives on a non-stop emotional rollercoaster, dating a traveling musician with whom she happens to be in an open relationship with. AND she takes care of his pre-teenage children. But if I could just have all the fun sex that she does, and move my hips like hers, well, maybe I'd be apt to leave the house once in awhile.
Then there's Neri. I fucking adore this woman because she's not afraid to speak her truths. Especially her mom truths. Being a mom is super hard and we all experience frustrations and even resentments for the exhausting job of "momming." What is "momming" you ask?
Momming - (verb) to basically be in charge of everything. in charge of delegating, doing, performing, and worst of all, remembering every fucking task for every single human thingie in your household.
Neri is a 41 year old, strong woman, that works very hard on her own career, in addition to, momming two preteen BOYS. And manages to keep a marriage together on top of that? My energy is depleted just thinking about everything she has to do. God, I barely have patience for my kids, there's no way I could spare attention for a man too. Being a single mom really isn't that bad. Especially if you have cats. Just sayin.
And next. Oh my, what to say about Diana? omg as I tell you about these ladies, my heart just wells up with so much fondness. Diana is a 49 year old neurotic New Yorker. She's divorced and doing the online dating thing. I could write a book just on her Tinder nightmare stories alone. Each man a bigger disappointment than the one before. I guess with her kids out of the house and no cats, what else is she gonna do in her free time? Might as well undertake the daunting, nearly impossible, task of finding a good man in this town. She and I met through our daughters when they were freshman in high school. Sometimes we're lucky enough to have the 20 something year olds around, captivating us with their many misadventures. You'll see. Youuuuuu'll seeeeee.
My friend Samantha is fun. She's a 30 year old lipstick lesbian and the youngest one here today. Tinder has proven to be an unsuccessful way to meet ladies too. Apparently after one date, women are just ready to move in. How dare you try to get to know a few señoritas before considering "settling down" with one of them. I mean, really.
Seriously though, Sam is incredibly intelligent and gorgeous. She manages one of the upper class restaurants in town, so she works too goddamn much. Personally, I think she should just get a bunch of cats, and call it a day.
And finally, the last one to show up to this particular gathering, is Monica. I'll just let you get to know her on your own. All I'll say about 41 year old Mon at this point is, she has NO filter. I mean, most of us don't. But she seems to take it just a step or two farther at times...Oh, and she has lots of cats.
The first to arrive was Diana. She swept in, dressed elegantly sophisticated as usual, and in her typical frenzied manner, with a bottle of expensive champagne in her beautifully manicured hands.
"Am I late? I had to drive Stacy to work and one of my Tinder guys called and went on and on about his fishing trip, which I don't even think he really went fishing, but I'll get to that part in a bit. Anyway, I stopped off to get champagne and there was this cute little boutique next door, and I thought well I'll just stop in for a moment and see what they got going on in there. So I asked the boutique owner about this adorable little blouse and she just wouldn't shut up about the wholesale people she ordered it from. I'm like, lady do you ever stop talking? Meanwhile I keep checking my phone thinking I'm going to be sooooooooo late for girl time and.."
She looks around and asks incredulously, "Am I the only one here?"
I said, "Oh good, you took a breath," as I laughed. "Please girl, just relax. Have some tacos, I'll go mix this with some cranberry juice. Everyone else is late. As always. Have you ever known anything to start on time around here? You're not in New York anymore, Dorothy. No need to rush."
At that moment, in breezed Mardi with all of her belly dance props. She always brings her wings, silk fans and veils and jingly hip scarves for the ladies to enjoy. We love to dance around with them, pretending we're young, skinny, exotic belly dancing sirens. I mean, in our own way, we kind of all are.
As I went to close the door, Mardi said, "Oh don't shut it, Cybil, Neri pulled up right behind me."
Sure enough, in barges a frustrated looking Neri.
"Oh man, if my boys could just GET IT TOGETHER. Just ONCE."
I told her, "you're fine, everyone is just now getting here! What happened?"
Neri looked around the room, wide eyed and exclaimed, "I mean, I'll just say ONE word. The moms in here will know what I mean when I say, 'homework.' I'll do you even one better and throw in, 'project.'"
I shook my head. "Say no more. I feel ya. Somebody waited until the last minute, huh?"
"Kaden decides to inform me THIS MORNING that he needs 12 items to complete a project that is due tomorrow that he's known about for TWO weeks. He expects me to go run around on a Sunday afternoon, my day off, to find all this crap for him. I feel like a horrible mother but I'm telling you, I don't want to do that. I'd really like to just relax and let him deal with the consequences tomorrow."
Mardi: "Girl, do it. Fuck that, there's no way I'd give in to that. My step kids try to pull that shit on me all the time. They'll learn eventually. It's their responsibility to relay important information like that in a timely manner. And why do pre-teen boys like to wait until the last possible minute to do a project that is going to take several hours?"
Diana: "I'm soooooooooo glad my kids are out of the house."
I handed Neri a mimosa. "Here sit, take a load off. You are most certainly not a horrible mother. You are one of the most awesome moms I know. None of us have patience for our children's bullshit. That's why therapy was invented. For us losing our minds and for our kids having to witness it. Just save up for his very expensive bill from the therapist that will inevitably come after you narrowly escape strangling him a few times."
Sam then walked in looking a little dejected. She said, "Well, Lisa broke up with me too."
We all gave her our condolences and asked what happened.
"Same thing as Katie. She can't handle me dating other women. I'm just really ready to give up on this dating thing."
Diana: "Aren't we all?!"
Sam: "Why what happened with you?"
Diana: "What HASN'T happened? I'm dating men, they're all awful." She looked at me. "Remember when I mentioned the fishing trip?"
Me: "That was like, 5 seconds ago, yeah."
Diana: "Okay, well when Mike left the morning of his "supposed" fishing trip, he was acting very strange. I just had this weird feeling he was lying about something and he was nervous and fidgety. While he was gone, for 3 days mind you, he didn't call once and barely texted me. He did however, send me a picture of a bucket of fish. BUT, when I was shuffling through pictures he was tagged in on facebook, I came across a photo that had a bucket of fish in it and it looks an awful lot like the one in the pic he sent me."
Neri: "Okay, what's the problem?"
Diana: "The PROBLEM is, he was tagged in this picture A YEAR AGO."
Mardi: "Oh DAAAAAAAAANG."
Me: "Holy Shit."
Diana: "RIGHT??"
Neri: "That's definitely not good."
Sam: "Okay, you win this round."
Diana: "Whatever, I'm over it. I'm going to confront him and then I'm going to dump him. I have another date Wednesday night with this super cute realtor. He must sell nice homes because he can afford to live in Steiner Ranch. Oh and he's SOOOOO funny. Mike who??"
Several of us chuckled.
Mardi: "Who else is coming?"
Me: "Who knows really, everybody always says they're coming and then less than half show up. But I think for sure Monica is coming. And Lettie said she was too, but you know what a flake she is."
Mardi: "Well okay, I'm going to go ahead and tell y'all about the 23 year old I banged last night."
Diana screeched, "WHAT?!"
Mardi: "Well I didn't KNOW he was only 23. Oh wait shit, he's actually 22. I found out this morning when he sent me an invite to his 23rd birthday party."
Neri: "How'd you meet him?"
Mardi: "I friended him on facebook because his comments were funny. We've been facebook friends for a few weeks and last night I got really drunk all by myself and I facebooked him to come over."
Sam: "Wait, you've never met him and you just invited him to come to your house? Where was David?"
Mardi: "He's out of town as usual. I'm sure he had an 18 year old in his hotel room last night. So yeah, I messaged him to come over and he replied that he was DJ'ing and would come after. I'm like, okay I'll likely be asleep by 1-2 in the morning, so I'll leave the key under the mat, just come upstairs."
Diana: "And he did?"
Mardi: "Yup, sure did. Holy fuck, it was soooo exciting. I was actually semi awake when I heard him drive up. So I just laid in bed pretending to be asleep as he walked up the stairs. Seriously guys, it was so fun."
Neri: "I can't believe you did that! What if he was a psychopath?"
Mardi: "Calm down, y'all, he and I have quite a few mutual friends. He's not a COMPLETE stranger."
Just then, Monica burst through the door while yelling at someone outside.
"HEY! Don't!"
She then walked back outside and we followed her.
"HEY FUCKTARD, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CAR!!"
She stormed toward some kid who was innocently walking by with a skateboard in his arms.
"Hey lady, I'm not touching your car."
"See that you don't, you little asshat."
She stood there watching him walk away and when he was far enough away, she turned back towards us, and saw our gaping mouths.
"What? I swear he looked like he was going straight for my car, the second I turned my back to walk in here!"
Mardi: "Okay girl, you need a drank."
Me: "Let's go hang out in the backyard and annoy my neighbors."
"I don't understand how those poor people haven't moved away from you yet," Neri said laughing.
Me: "Oh I'm sure they find us quite entertaining, even if a little annoying."
We all walked single file out into my huge backyard and sat down on the lovely outdoor furniture that one of my exes built for me. Sam and Diana each grabbed wings and silk veils, and began dancing around the yard. Mardi started putting noisy hip scarves on all of us and snapping photos for facebook and instagram. Neri requested that she contact some other belly dancers about possibly ordering costumes from her. Neri is a very talented costume/headdress maker. I don't understand how she has the time and/or patience to painstakingly make so many beautiful things. Sometimes I wish I could afford to have a closet full of her sparkly outfits and feather headpieces to play around in. But then I think, where the fuck would I wear any of it? I don't ever go anywhere. I'm a writer. I prefer my alone time.
Monica turned toward me with a pipe loaded with weed. She took a hit and exhaled in my face: "So what's up with your friend, Michelle?"
Me: "Oh man, she's a hot mess that one. Tinder is pretty much fucking up all of my friends. But Michelle, well most of Michelle's Tinder nightmares are caused by her. She's like Seinfeld, finds the stupidest little thing wrong with EVERY single guy she meets on there. One dude invited her for dinner, he was going to grill some chicken for her. She asked him what sides he was going to have and he said, "sides? Do we need those?" She completely flipped out about this. She was like, Cybil who the fuck doesn't have sides? I'm like, well why don't you offer to bring a side dish? She said, "No way, he offered to cook, he should have sides! He told me, 'well I have broccoli.' Fuck that. I'm cancelling." Yeahhhhh, she's just not over her ex who lives 1000 miles away. Seven years later. So she's not speaking to me because I totally told her she was overreacting and she just can't handle the truth, man."
Monica: "WOW."
Neri: "Well she's younger than us, she'll get there."
We all began observing Diana, Mardi and Sam dancing around the yard. Sam then dropped her wings and attempted to climb the ropes on my tree swing. That's a good 12 feet of rope. She got about halfway up before she commenced sliding back down. She said, "How do the guys make it all the way up there?"
Monica: "Because they're stronger, you dumbass." She walked over and handed the pipe to Sam.
At that moment, our heads turned to the neighbor's lawn. A mower had just powered up and standing there next to it, was a very, very fine specimen of a man. Okay, a boy, really. He then slowly removed his shirt, like a scene out of a movie and as though he knew we were all paying very close attention. Okay, a MAN. Wow. No but really, he couldn't have been more than 19. But god, that manly six pack. Ow Ow OW.
Mardi: "Are anyone else's panties all wet?"
Diana was pretty tipsy by this point. We all knew what she was about to do. It happens every. single. time. And we love her for it. She pranced over to the fence, batting her eyelashes. "Hiiiii" she drawled. "You look hot, are you thirsty? We can get you something to drink."
Hot Guy #1 (Oh yes they'll be plenty more of those in this series. I mean, sometimes we order takeout or I need plumbing fixed, etc.) Anyway, he said, "Yes ma'am, it's sunny out, totally a warm day. I'm not thirsty, but thank you."
Diana: (as we witnessed in amused anticipation) "Come over here, I need to get a photo with you. I'm going to send it to my daughter, she's a hottie. She'll love this."
She turned towards us, "Hey Mardi, come take our picture."
As Hot Guy #1 strutted through the gate, Mardi says, "No way, I'm getting in this shot too. Here Mon, take our picture," as she handed her phone to over to Monica.
Monica (laughing) "Wow, cougars much?"
Monica snapped a few photos while Mardi and Diana's hands were all over the poor boy's chest. Naturally they had to get the token 'each kissing one of his cheeks' shots in there. Which Mardi immediately uploaded to Instagram. Neri and I are just shook our heads, the only 2 semi-sober ones in the bunch. So far.
Sam: "Um, your neighbor is staring out the window."
Hot Guy #1: (as he climbed his way out of the cougar grips, but flashing a flattered grin) "Yeah, I better get back over there. You ladies have a nice afternoon."
Everyone was silent as we stared, watching him saunter back through the gate. Holy shit, what a tight ass. I mean, a small mob of tipsy 30-40 something year old women....obviously, this was going to be the highlight of our day.
At that point, we began trading love/relationship/dating stories (I even have a few I'll get to another day) and continued to gossip about our girlfriends that didn't come today. That's what happens when you don't show up. We get to share your personal information (that you would wind up drunkingly sharing with all of us anyway) and hope we got it (mostly) accurate.
At some point during the drunken excited chatter, Monica noticed that a member of our clan had been missing for some time.
Monica: "Where'd Mardi go?"
Sam: "I'll go find her."
Diana, Monica, Neri and I pulled out Cards Against Humanity and started playing without them.
I think my favorite round was when Monica drew the black card "________, kid tested, mother-approved." I believe the 3 white cards said, "Man Meat" "Elderly Japanese men" and "A Super Soaker full of cat pee". How does one choose easily in such a situation?
Now, before I continue, you should know that there are 3 stages of inebriation for ladies like us.
First, there's stage 1. Tipsy. During this stage, everyone has a little buzz and babbles loudly and animatedly about what the fuck ever.
Next, you have stage 2. Drunk. You begin saying things that you may or may not remember, and definitely wouldn't have said had you not been intoxicated.
Lastly, stage 3. There are several names for this stage. Sloshed, smashed, trashed, wasted, faded, tanked, plastered, just to name a few. You're slurring, you most certainly won't remember anything said after this point. Most of us aren't going to be driving anywhere without a nap first.
Remember these stages, they will be a reoccurring theme in our weekly gatherings.
I believe we had gotten to the point, (it's hard to remember now) where we just couldn't focus enough to play anymore. Diana hobbled inside to pee. Monica was as high as a kite, lying on the ground staring up at the trees and barely making any sense. Neri and I are the kind of friends who can talk for hours and not even realize half the day has disappeared, kind of like my husband did when I told him I was pregnant. But that's a story for another day. So many stories left to tell you. About all of us and a few others you haven't met yet. Time will tell these stories. And the secrets. I hope I live to tell them all just as Madonna does.
So anyway. 2 hours later, we realized Mon was asleep on the ground. We woke her and collected the game, dancing gear and wine bottles and headed back inside where we found Sam, as usual, passed out on the sofa. Mardi and Diana were snoring in the guest room. This is also typical of them. Lightweights. We shared a great deal today. As we do every time we waste time together. Soon, I'll share it all with you. You'll learn the crosses each of these women have had to bear. You'll learn what amazing, kind and generous women they are. And you will love, respect and admire all of these women as much as I do.
