I know it's been some time since I promised you all the stories. #writersblock #herecometheexcuses
I started a new job last fall and have been busy with work, kids and being the crazy cat lady. But...
The information has been gathering. And storing in my head. It's all there, ready to be told. Again I tell you, there will be
some fiction, mostly because I love to make shit up. There's already so much conflict and drama that it will be a challenge to exaggerate them, but I'm certainly up to the task. The fun tales will come next. But first, I present to you this truth, the other half of my introduction to them.
I finally understand what Gigi meant by "slaves to the beast" and I also finally understand what makes a crazy cat lady.
I'm sitting at my desk drumming my fingers and sniffing rosemary, as I contemplate which subject to tackle here first. O.o
Okay. I'll start with the cat thing. Actually. It sort of mingles in with the beast thing. So. Here goes both.
My life as most, has been
filled with drama. Some that I created on my own, and some that was handed to me without my consent. I'm 39 years old. I can't say that I've seen it all. I can't say that I've learned everything I need to know. But. *pause* I'm definitely way ahead on both counts.
So far, it seems for the most part, I've been attracted to (and attracted), men with serious addiction problems. Different types of addiction. Sex, drugs, alcohol, lying, partying, ignoring their kids, etc. Maybe it's because my biological father was an addict. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, and who knows what else. So I've sensed a pattern over the years... After the last breakup, nearly a year ago, my first thought was to give up men entirely, as it seems I'm not the best at choosing the right ones. Then I think of how I hate when other people say, "god I was so stupid, how could I let someone fool me that way?" That's just it, we're not stupid. We've been deceived. That's the whole point of deceiving someone. We trust and we believe and we're naive, blah blah blah and so forth. We get duped into believing a person is what they say they are and we trust them, not because we're foolish. Because we're human and we want to see the good in other human beings. And we want to believe we can be loved the way that we love. However, not everyone is capable of loving that way. Some people are selfish and don't even realize just how much. That's their problem. At some point you have to learn not to take it personally and understand that it's not a reflection of you. I'm not even calling them out as bad people. This is something that they still need to figure out and work on. So you leave and move on and maybe you'll be fortunate to someday find someone who is in the right place for you. We've all been selfish, hypocritical, manipulative and judgmental at some point in our lives. We've all treated someone poorly whether we understood this or not. We all had to learn things to get to the point we are now. I've learned to leave the people (and this includes men
and friends), who aren't in the same place that I'm in. This eliminates the drama from my life. Completely.
Starting last summer, I started deleting every friend that made me feel exhausted in any way. I had one girlfriend who is still living in a delusional world where in her mind, she and her ex are still in love. This man has a new girlfriend/lover and has even gone on trips with her. I've been where she is. I've been *almost* that delusional. I couldn't watch it anymore. I tried to be open and honest and show her how much better off I am on my own and out of that relationship. And even how it's possible to still be friends and not have to be with that person any more. It takes time and space away, and learning to be independent again, and she's unwilling to give herself that. So I let her go. Immediately my life was more enriched. She's not a bad person. She's not a bad friend. She's in a different place. A different dimension, really.
Another girlfriend of mine did absolutely nothing but bitch and complain about everything. She wanted so desperately to find a boyfriend but she A) wasn't over her ex from 7 years before and wasn't taking any real steps to get there and B) found something wrong with every single man she met. She's almost a decade younger than me and has never been married or had kids. I tried to give her my advice and the benefit of my experience but she chose not believe that she needed to change something about herself. I let her go too. I miss her at times, because we had a strong connection and when we had fun, we had lots of it. But 98% of the time I spent with her completely drained me. The friendship wasn't worth it anymore.
The last relationship I was in, (a year ago) lasted all of 2 months. Almost immediately, red flags popped up all over the place. Another addict. Another liar. I knew this is not what I wanted for myself. I don't want a man like my biological dad. I don't want drama. I want a man who is like the father who raised me. The man who adopted me and my twin sister. The man who is my father in my heart and mind. A good man. But at this point last year, I decided I was probably never going to find a good man. So I let myself accept that and found peace with it. I spent the past year feeling very content. As I shooed the people from my life that brought me down, I found more and more happiness. I've held on to my dear friends that are good to me and happy with their own lives. I'm blessed to have quite a few of them. I've had no reason for tears. One of my friends expressed worry for me that I'm always home and not getting out and I told him, "this is the happiest and most content I've ever been." And I meant every single word of it.
Being cozy at home with a house full of cats and no ridiculous over-dramatic, childish friends and asshole lovers, is clearly NOT overrated. So you see how it's easy to migrate into "crazy cat lady," as you've all watched me do.
But then.
Oh
hello, reality.
#slap
And here's where the nature of the beast comes in. What beast? I mentioned it before. You remember? Wise words from the bonus mom. She was so right. And now I get it.
She's in her 60's and still finding herself in relationships where she's being emotionally abused and/or mistreated. Yet still finding it hard to let go. She told me and my girlfriend, "we're (women) slaves to the beast." We laughed, but she was absolutely correct. Here's why.
It's very easy for women to meet men. And they will like you. And they will buy you drinks. And you might immensely enjoy making out with them after a few drinks, even get really turned on. This makes the one night stand very easy. It's also what turns it into a "one night stand." The next day, you'll realize that you're not even attracted to them. I think we all experienced strings of one-night stands in our 20's. We still had a lot to learn. I've gotten to the point where making out at the bar is where it stops, and I always go home alone.
But. holy shit. Where it gets complicated. You meet a man, who even when you're sober, you're thinking about him. And you get turned on by the mere thought of him.
That.
That, dear ladies, is chemistry. And
that is when we get ourselves into trouble.
You're strolling along, tra-la-la, being crazy cat lady mama bear. Just for shits and giggles, you sign up for some sort of dating service. You've been happy for months, no desire to have a mate. So happy with your independence you are, nothing occupying your thoughts other than your responsibilities and lots of funny things that make you laugh. Happiness, joy, peace are all your middle name. Laurel Happinessjoypeace Lizzlepants is a mouthful, but it has a nice ring to it. You're having so many laughs with your friends at all these poor men's expense because you know you don't have time, energy or desire to meet or hang out with any man.
Then fuck. You see a cute one. And he actually seems like a nice guy. What? Since when were you attracted to nice guys???? So you go out with him. And then something awful(ly strange) happens. The next day, you're so turned on when you think about his kisses, you have mini orgasms without even touching yourself.
Well fuck again. Goddammit. You've found someone you're actually attracted to. All of sudden, the thought of snuggling someone on the couch in front of a movie, cooking for someone, rubbing their shoulders, listening to their boring day, becomes a little less unappealing than it was a month ago. Ooops.
Now. *pause* You've only just met this person. So he could STILL have some serious dark issues/baggage. You could easily find something wrong with him in the coming days/weeks. You almost hope that you do.
BUT. Now you realize that you can still become a slave to the beast. You thought you didn't have feelings in those body parts any more. Because every, 'friends with benefits' and 'booty call' in the past year, just wasn't worth it.
Now you know you can still want that beast. Badly.
And when you want that beast...what do you do? You delude yourself. Even when red flags appear, you ignore them. Even when you find out they have some horrible addictions that you know are only going to end in tears, you accept them. You decide you can take the good with the bad. Because the good is oh so good. Oooooh. *moan* Mmmmm.
Well. Not this time guys. I'm turning 40 this year. I will be slave to no beast. If something turns up with someone I hang out with, I'm sticking to what I've learned this past year. If it's bad, I'm out.
After all, I've got a detachable shower head now.
